Tbh, I don’t really understand what the fuck “ego death” is. I looked it up and it says ego death is “the complete loss of subjective self-identity”, everyone says acid has the possibility to make you experience this but I really don’t think I have to, I know that my self-identity is objectively fucking awesome so does that mean I’ve already experienced ego death?

I think so.

But then again I hear that ego death is like, as the name suggests, the death of your ego. And as I was laying in my bed during my most recent acid trip, watching the feature film bort 240p, a product of my own creation, crying to my own creation, I think that this is perhaps the furthest a human being could get to death of their own ego, if anything mine became stronger than ever.

Okay, I’m sounding insane again, the self-expression blog is losing all its merit now! But to be completely fair, watching bort 240p was an extremely unique viewing experience, it felt like I was watching the work of another filmmaker because there were so many little moments I had no memory whatsoever of doing (reminiscent of Stephen King reading his drug-binge book Cujo). The funny thing about bort 240p is that it is a huge shitpost. I wanted to be the first person in my film class to release a “feature-length film”, and what was the best way to do that? Slow my 15-minute short down until it’s over 70 minutes of course!

I did add some little "tricks” to the film as I described them, little jumpscares that would startle the audience. I remember doing this in Premiere Pro over the course of like an hour and thinking to myself, “Future Nick won’t see what’s coming” and I was absolutely right. Having never actually sat down and watched the movie in full, I had several parts actually scared the shit out of me (maybe cause I was watching on my CRT TV on full volume at 2am on acid…). The title sequence actually gagged me so severely I think I started applauding (oh my God, I sound like such a dickhead, but fuck you, I’m a genius).

I think the textures of the film was just absolutely perfect for the high to be completely honest. Coloured pixels fighting for supremacy, fighting with everything they can to not be consumed by the black void. There were moments where I was unsure what I actually intended to do and was wondering if my TV was just fucking up or not.

And yes, I did cry. The scene where Bort eats his short and caresses his body in a strangely sensual way just got me. I think it’s quite obvious why this got me if you read blog 2, but basically it was like Bort was finally giving in to himself in a way, I saw myself be a bit more free on the screen, openly being sensual and “pretty” in a way. I don’t know, I just thought it was a bit emotional for me seeing me be a bit open with my body like that, I usually have so much shame so it was freeing.

Sometimes I feel like I’m destined for a life of floating through life in the pursuit of my own sensuality, it reminds me of Lee in Queer (I still need to see the fucking movie, love the book), all this to say I think I was crying cause I need to suck a dick and see what that’s all about, will I be as free as Bort?

I also watched The Love Eterne on acid on a 240p (lol) YouTube rip, the motion looked so strange to me and everyone’s faces looked AI-generated, which freaked me out, so I watched 5 minutes of a random movie on Netflix (The King) to see if everything looks AI-generated and sure enough it felt like I had typed “twinky Timothée Chalamet as a young prince” in Dall-E. I also cried at The Love Eterne, one of the best endings I’ve ever seen.

Watching movies on acid is always fun but I hate how stressed I get on acid about making it “meaningful”. I wanted to edit The King of Darkness and get craaazzzzyyyy with it, but it just wasn’t happening. I remember I begged someone to get me acid while I was editing #MoneyKing$ cause I wanted to almost method edit, I wanted to be true to the title crawl and actually edit it during a drug-induced psychosis. Unfortunately I couldn’t get acid in time and so instead I just did an edible but then I just got stressed and paranoid in the edit suites. I think the scene I edited on the edible was the Prada Vision sequence and the #HUMBLE, #TRUTH part (which is one of the highlights of the film honestly). I remember I was the most dehydrated I’ve ever been on that edible but I was too scared to go downstairs cause people were filming something and when I walked down there to go to the bathroom there were like 10 boys in suits all staring at me and I just didn’t wanna deal with that.

I feel like I need to have another main tangent cause this narcissist shit is making me look bad as fuck. But I don’t know, I don’t fucking care, if you got a problem with it buy the DVD yourself and tell me, TELL ME to my face you don’t think I’m a genius, I dare you, I DARE YOU!

- Nick Murcott